Episode 1: Lets Get Prehistoric

[Sonja]

Sonja HUAIYU 

Day 1

Hey Y'all! It's me Sonja Christopher. You might remember me from my truly sad and pathetic claim to fame: I AM THE FIRST PERSON TO EVER BE VOTED OUT OF THE GAME OF SURVIVOR, EVER. I think the three things I actually got to do the last time I played was A) Strum a Ukulele and sing a song about antidepressants, B) Fall over and over due to the horrid pair of Birkenstocks I was wearing, and C) Having some redneck hillbilly spell my name 'SOUNA' before my wrinkly ass was sent home from Borneo! I will not let history repeat its self. I might have been voted out first, but this time I am totally going to wi... OK WHO AM I FOOLING? I will probably be voted off second, but damnit I am going to fight tooth and nail so I can hopefully prevent that from happening.

Part of my strategy/shtick is playing the role of the delirious/pervy old woman. I constantly make age jokes and references. I say random things that probably gross my tribe mates out. I want to appear non threatening and silly. I am trying to keep the conversations going which is really difficult when you are playing an alias. I am developing a fake history as my chats progress. Here are some random facts about 'Me'.

1. This is my second game. The first game I played was this horrible facebook game where the challenges consisted of things like 'The first person to send me 100 images of Amanda Kimmel wins!' I finished in 9th out of 16 players. I was the unfortunate victim of a Pagonging.

2. I work in retail at the Mall. 

3. I have a roomie who annoys me by blasting death metal.

LIES, LIES, LIES. All lies. 

It's kind of fun to come up with a bullshit history, despite it being a tad sociopathic. Sonja Christopher is a beautiful picture I am painting and it has only just begun.

[Sonja]

I am very curious and skeptical about the twist. Each round a random personality trait will be given to the tribe and we will have to vote for the player that best fits the description... What are we voting them in for? For all we know it could be voting people to there deaths, to perform colonics on the eldery, WE DON'T KNOW. My best guess would be that it is Hidden Immunity Idol related. Maybe one member from each tribe face off and the winner gets a clue? Maybe the loser is forced to switch tribes? The unknown is a very scary thing, so I am not too sure that I want to receive the vote for that this early. This rounds trait is STRENGTH. I hope to show the tribe my amazing challenge prowess (which is mediocre at best unless it's like an endurance challenge or a prune juice drinking contest, I would imagine Sonja would be a pro at that). I hope to appear as a strong competitor, but maybe not the best.

So far I am working really hard at chit-chatting with the tribe-mates. So far I have spoken with Andrea, Lindsey, Chris, Tyson, Marty, and Joe. Here are some of my first impressions and assessments on them.

Marty is trying to steal my old people thunder. I am the one making lame dinosaur and black plague jokes, not you. Besides Marty wasn't wearing depends or anything on the show. He was athletic, articulate, and was not five steps away from Alzheimer's. Maybe we can work out some kind of geriatric alliance? Not much substance to the convo, just ageism at its finest.

Andrea seemed the most friendly and well spoken. She was at work and still made the effort to shoot the shit. One alarming thing that happened was when discussing my fake ORG past she mentioned that the last game she played every single round was a blindside. That was kind of sketchy, but hey it shows me that she is willing to lie and play with the big boys and girls. I just need to make sure I am not on the receiving end of it.

Joe was really rude and is obviously young. He misspelled every other word, so I am thinking he graduated fourth grade at the very least. He also was really rude. He was not having my pervy old lady shtick. He just rubbed me the wrong way. He also is so into his alias that he really thinks he is Joe. He kept talking about tonights episode of survivor like it was really how his day went. Dude, if you are going to play up the make believe fantasy of being Joe you should probably know that the show is not filmed live. The shit on the show happened months ago. Unless you are living out some back to the future type shit you need to calm your twelve year old Matthew McConaughey looking ass down.

Tyson was very pleasant and seemed to show a genuine interest in the fanfiction that is my life in this game. We discussed my non existent roomie and how his loud music was keeping me awake and how I wasn't banging on his door because his girlfriend flew in to town to see him and I didn't want to embarrass him. LOL. I don't look like a sociopath at all... no sir, not at all. .

Chris was really short we probably exchanged four sentences. I made this gem of a joke 'I have been around since Moses parted the red sea.. and the red sea was actually just me on my period on a heavy flow day.' Besides that, nothing worth noting was said.

Lindsey was really chit chatty and played along with my crazy old bat act. She is going to be the go-to alliance whore of this tribe, I can already tell. She is playing a cutesy girl and is social... all the little tweens that secretly want to get a sex-change to be Parvati Shallow will be all over her nuts. I just get the vibe that she is going to be a major player in this game.

That is all I've got for today. I am going to bed so I can be pretty as a peach for this challenge tomorrow

[Sonja]

Day 2

We are about... 40 minutes? Shy of 40 minutes? Whatever, the challenge is coming up and I am really excited. I am nervous about two of our tribemates. So and Malcolm. Who and What as far as I'm concerned because they have been nowhere to be found. I know nothing sucks more as a host than having players drop off the face of the universe. As a player it kind of makes me feel a little bit safer. Two easy targets are potentially sitting, wasting away in an inactive coma which spells GREAT NEWS for GRANNY FIERCENESS!

Right now I am thinking about which players I would like to work with and which players would make good allys.

Obviously So and Malcolm fall into the UNDESIRABLE catergory.

Lindsey and Joe both rub me the wrong way. They always are spouting shit like 'EW' and constantly referencing the current season on television. I think they are aligned. Joe will not be winning any spelling bees anytime soon. I am praying to God that isn't a challenge for the sake of my tribe.

The maybes: Marty and Chris
They are not entertaining by any stretch of the imagination but they are at least present. These would be ideal people to sit next too in the finals. They have no personality, no charm, and can be compared to functioning ORG Robots.

The most likely's (Look at me, making up words!): Andrea and Tyson
They both can keep the conversations going. They both are social and witty and people that I would like to work with going forward. As of this first round they strike me as the players on our tribe whom are the most grounded and mature. This can change, easily, but for now these are the two I most would like to work with.

It is time for the challenge... I think I just shit my depends.

[Sonja]

Day 3

We are in the midst of our first immunity challenge which is inappropriately titled 'Sharing a Load.' Is this survivor or a sorority porn movie!? I digress. The challenge is about team work and lifting crates, holding, and then tossing them. The more players that are around to help with the crate the more time is saved and the more crates that can be flung.

When we started the challenge we were a hot honey boo boo of a mess. Myself included. Of course no one actually reads the instructions and everyone instead decides to whine at the host and ask him to explain what is clearly typed up. I stupidly decided that I needed to post all 3 moves within 1 minute, before the entire tribe shut that shit down. I of course looked like I was playing the role of the drunken sea hag, as Lindsey chastised everyone and tried to be like 'OMG YOU ALL SUCK ASS, JUST KIDDING!' Yeah, because that's believable. Lindsey was the first to complain but the last to take action. Here are some of the jewels she spewed out during the first hour. 'CAN SOMEONE EXPLAIN THE RULES TO SO BECAUSE I AM NOT A GOOD EXPLAINER' 'I AM ZANE-ING OUT OF THE GAME BECAUSE IT'S TOO MUCH, JUST KIDDING, I AM NOT VOLUNTEERING TO LEAVE'. I decided to put on an Oscar winning performance by running to Lindsey and telling her that I would commit suicide if she left. What I meant to say is if she doesn't follow through on that promise I am going to hang myself. Tomato, Tomahto. I am just trying to recover from the damage I may have caused for trying to be pervy and silly. People need to get a sense of humor. If I had applied as Natalie White or Ashley Underwood and acted like a slut whore all of the little twinks in the game would have praised me with shit like 'Fierce' 'Fabulous' etc. No one wants to think about Sonja in a G-String, I get it. I am trying to keep up the campy character while also showing I have a serious side and can carry a conversation (Something that Tyson pointed out. He was afraid to be on a tribe with me, until he actually got to chat with me.)

We are still doing the challenge at the pace of a paraplegic in a foot race and making as many mistakes as a drunken 21 year old on their 21st B-Day. Someone will post 'holds' instead of 'lifts'. Someone will forget the #. Someone won't post on time causing the challenge to drag on even longer. We have 30 something crates right now and based on the fact that the other tribe has had about 4 people on at all times I would venture to guess that we are just wasting our time. We will be following the yellow brick road to tribal council and be forced to send one person to the Guillotine. I am praying it is not me. I think I showed I can do the challenges and that this old Grandma can toss a crate... EVEN BY HERSELF.

[Sonja]

Our tribe cannot get there shit together in this challenge, myself included, everyone included. In the span of the last hour JOE, MARTY, ANDREA, AND MYSELF have all fucked up at least twice. I pity the fool that corrects this challenge. If you counted the wrinkles on Sonja Christopher's ass you would get the number of times we had to redo crate 38. Stupid mistakes. People not listening. People not double checking their work. Joe, in particular, has to be twelve years old. Where did you do this seasons casting call at freaking Build-a-Bear? (LOL). Gymboree perhaps? I am not impressed with Joe at all. If I had my wish he would be the first person voted off. He gives me the same sensation you get when your chaffing. Super uncomfortable and red all over. My granny senses are tingling which means I am either having a stroke... OR We are about to lose. It's probably both, but still, we are going to lose.

In other news I am loving my fictional job at the Mall. It's the best excuse for everything. I am a manager, need to take a break from the challenge to go cover my coworkers lunch break. I can work in the office most of my shift doing invoices, book keeping, schedules... I have been doing this challenge longer than anyone else on my tribe, I deserve a damn break. I cant handle yelling at joe to repost because he does not know how to count. He also keeps post 'CREATE' instead of CRATE. I am hoping that is due to autocorrect on his cellphone, but somehow I seriously doubt that it is.

I LIFT CREATE 38

LOOOOOOL.

[Sonja]

The competition is over for us. Given the abysmal amount of effort that some members of our tribe put into this I can tell this tribe is going to be a hot mess. Lets go down the line wall and sum up the efforts of my tribe shall we?

Andrea caused at minimum 3 crates to be wasted because she has the attention of an ADD kid without adderall. On the plus side at one point our tribe was so painstakingly disorganized she came to the rescue and posted a 'schedule' and even she couldn't post the schedule cohesively. She would post 1 part of the schedule up top and then 30 mins later the second portion. Its the thought that counts, right?

Chris was on AIM for almost 75% of the challenge and he somehow managed to help with maybe 6 crates in total. His joe dirt pony tail must have been caught in one of the crates, because he was down on the job. Solid D+. WTG!

Joe- I have already slandered his name enough for the day, Squanto pretty much fucked up and their are enough body parts on me to count his flaws. Have fun throwing more 'creates'

Lindsey sure does talk a lot. If her hands moved as fast as her flapping gums we would have won this challenge. She would always pop on to make a lame joke, cause distractions by posting shit like LIFT LIFT HOLD HOLD when it was time to toss... She is a mess. I am not going to let this mediocre Courtney Love wannabe get anywhere in this game. She is on my shitlist. She is one of those players that makes a million alliances and then does nothing in the comps. She is the weak titty on this mama cat Fo'sho.

Malcolm. He signed on. He is like casper the friendly ghost as far as I'm concerned, minus the friendly. I was doing the challenge half the day and I didn't see his ass, but he posted. I am kind of bummed, he would have been an obvious easy first boot... but now...it will probably still be him, Lol. If it's not me ;p.

Marty is kind of a grey area. He was OK. He messed up here in there, but nothing substancial, like ruining an entire cycle of crate throwing. He was one of the players present for the TIME SUCK OF 2015 (The crate 38 incident)

So... It's going to get really old calling her by that name because so is a word and people are going to forget about her and get confused when sentences are being started with So. I am already confusing myself. I am just going to call her Sokim from now on to avoid the headache.

Sonja, ME. I made two costly mistakes, but I also was involved in more crate tosses than any other player. Period. I also did two whole crates on my own to make up for those mistakes .

Tyson was the superstar of this challenge. He SHOULD be voted for as the personality trait STRENGTH. He doesn't want it though. He didn't make any mistakes.

Did I mention I am in an pseudo alliance with Tyson? We agreed that we wanted to work together and I have vented to him about almost everything thus far. I trust and like him the most, so hopefully this will blossom into something.

[Sonja]

We won Immunity.... WHAT?

HOW?

LOL!?

I cant imagine a more disorganized tribe than this... but I will take the win. YAY! I was not the first person voted out. I have done Sonja justice. Maybe she can be the second boot this time .

Right before results Lindsey posts 'I DON'T THINK WE WON GUYS... SIERRA HAS OVER 100 POSTS.' Doesn't she know the rules? Post that shit in your confessional. That is where you can be negative and complain and be a twat. JUST LIKE ME. You don't tell the tribe that you basically have no faith and think that we suck.

Stick that on a tattoo and slap it on your ass .

[Sonja]

Day 4

So today is tribal council for Wuyi and based on Erinn's amazing post count of yesterday (Which was a whopping 1) I would venture to guess that the animal carcass she calls a weave is about to be removed from the island. For strength I am assuming they will vote for Sierra because she clocked the most posts over anyone. I was right behind her and completely jilted for being second best. Who wants to be second best? Not this lady.

The voting for 'STRENGTH' went exactly like I thought it would. Everyone discussed it in private and someone was decided within 9 seconds. I was not online and nobody discussed it with me, so I can only imagine that their is already a major alliance going on that I am NOT apart of. I wanted to actually discuss it as a group so that someone random who did not show ANY STRENGTH like Malcolm, Joe, or Lindsey did not get it. The person being voted for should either be myself or Tyson with a big fat maybe on Andrea, but she seriously fucked up so many crates on the final toss.

This tribe has been a disorganized mess since the word GO so I don't understand why I expected anything else. Lol. I am praying for a tribe swap and it's only Day 4!

To close out Episode 1 let me just say the following:


My tribe is a big anus.

Thank you.